How I lost 75 pounds, Smoking Weed and Eating Whatever I Want.
This is not a lie, this is not a scam, this is not a bullshit online troll trying to rip people off. The truth is I have lost over 75 pounds, in about 12 months, smoking weed and eating anything I want. Yup, It's true. I smoke a ton of weed, a lot of marijuana, grass, pot, ganja, dope, cannabis, the Mary Jane, the devils lettuce, the magic flower, the fucking skunk gunk. Whatever anyone wants to call it, I smoke it. Weed is a wonderful resource for all of humankind. The fact that every single person doesn’t wake and bake every single morning is a huge part of the problem with the human species (in my humble opinion).
This is not a fitness routine or diet plan. It is not for everyone, I understand. This is for the big guys, the heavy dudes, the husky gents, the big boned, big headed, big body motherfuckers, who can gain 15 pounds in 1 week and lose 15 pounds in two weeks. The boys who can smash food, crush a buffet and devour leftovers. The fat in-cells and chubby losers who the internet has cast aside. Because that’s who I am and that’s what I know. I want this to be helpful to as many people, in as many ways possible. But this is not advice. This is a story, true as it may be, that’s all it is, a story.
I eat tacos, burritos, burgers, sushi, ribs, tater tots and pizza. I am a huge fan of a good mid-day happy hour. Poke nachos, fried calamari, carne asada quesadillas and shrimp taquitos(obviously I am from Southern California). Literally anything I want, I eat. And it is always delicious, especially when I’m stoned! This is my story of how I lost 75 pounds, smoking weed and eating whatever I want.
I am not an expert.
I mean that, so I’ll say it again, I AM NOT AN EXPERT! I have no idea if what I am doing is good from a medical or fitness standpoint, and to be honest I don’t care. I am still a fat stoner at my core. But the thing I learned during this whole process is that ultimately it boils down to how I perceive myself. For example, The reason I was able to carry around an extra 75 pounds is because I am strong and athletic. I may not have looked strong and athletic, and I definitely didn't feel strong and athletic, but that’s because I wasn’t using my body correctly. My body is built to handle extra weight. I look at athletes who are my size and they are all jacked up with muscle and six pack abs. I am just as heavy as they are, but on me the weight is all gross stretch marked fat. My body is just as capable as an athlete's body to carry the weight around. I may not have the gifted skillset of an athlete but I do have a similar body type. This is a good thing. I just need to treat myself and my body with the similar respect that athletes do.
I Look at someone like Aaron Donald, the Super Bowl winning defensive tackle for the Los Angeles Rams. Doland is 6 feet, 1 inches tall and weighs 285 pounds. The guy has 6 pack abs. That’s fucking insane. Technically he’s obese according to the body mass index. But Aaron Donald has about 5 percent body fat. He’s one of the best athletes in the world. His body can handle carrying that weight. His bones are dense and strong, built to support the muscle. It’s something he uses to his advantage. His size and weight are part of what makes him one of the best defensive players in the NFL.
On the flip side, I have a very good friend who can eat Panda Express, or Del Taco, or Carls JR or some other delicious fast food, everyday and late at night. He’s 6 foot 2 inches tall and maybe weighs 175 pounds. He’s a super skinny dude. His body isn’t built the same as mine and he definitely isn’t built anything like Aaron Doland. My friend's body can take the food in a push it right out because he wasn’t built to hold extra weight. He is long and lean and has a completely different body type than I do. I am someone who carries around extra weight, it's because my body wants to keep the food it intakes to be active and athletic. Because of the way I am built I have to use the food as the fuel it is supposed to be. The moment I realized that I was strong, and my body has the strength to carry and hold weight. I decided to see it as a positive. I am strong, My body is tough and I am built to handle adversity, to be athletic and to be active.
It’s up to me to be physical. To push my body everyday. Since this is the body type that I have been given, I can either try and diet and not exercise, or I can beat myself up a little bit physically and enjoy the delicious flavors of all my favorite foods. One of the absolute best ways to enjoy food is when I am stoned. And speaking of being stoned, let’s talk about weed.
As previously mentioned, I am not an expert. I have no idea whether or not weed works for everyone, but it sure does work for me. I’m sure I could pull up all sorts of articles on the internet that will tell me weed helps people lose weight, I could also find a bunch of articles telling me the opposite. I don’t really care. This has worked for me. I have been smoking weed pretty consistently for a long time now(about 20 years). I have taken edibles that have sent me to outer space. I have taken hits off of blunts that made me think 4 minutes was two and a half weeks. Currently I roll and smoke a lot of joints, I also eat edibles and if the occasion calls for it I’ll have a wonderful THC vape pen. I allow myself to consume as much THC as I want. Sometimes I’ll stop for a while just to get my sense of normal again, but for the most part I am pretty stoned a lot of the time.
I struggle with focus, I struggle with seeing the forest through the trees. I struggle with making choices and decisions that are better for me in the long term. I always have. I love and need gratification. It’s why I struggle with my weight and with food. Weed has helped me slow that down a little bit. I know a lot of people have related weed with the munchies. But I have found that if I am getting irritable or “hangry” that smoking a little weed reminds me of who I am and who I want to become.
Here’s the catch
Yes I eat whatever I want, but I don’t eat WHENEVER I want. And I definitely don’t eat AS MUCH as I want. I engage in intermittent fasting. Only eating between a 4-6 hour window during the day. I take it seriously, I have to. It’s the first step I took and it has been the foundation that I have built for my weight loss. I set an alarm on my phone at 12:30pm telling me “Ok you fat loser, you can eat now”. I set another alarm at 6:30pm telling me it’s time to stop eating “you fat loser”. Once the alarm goes off, that’s it. No food, no drinks, no sugar and no alcohol at all till the alarm goes off the next day. I only drink water and black coffee and smoke as much weed as I want during my fast.
I am not someone who can count calories. I don’t have the time or the bandwidth(or to be honest, the privilege) to count calories. I know when I am eating something that isn't good for me but I also know my body can handle large amounts of food. I also never did well trying the Keto diet. I feel as though my body needs carbs. Good carbs. Rice, beans, vegetables, potatoes and noodles. Anytime I try Keto I would end up eating 3 pounds of bacon and cheese and still not get full. My body would feel weak and shaky anytime I would cut carbs. It just isn’t for me. I am going to eat chips, bread, and tater tots. Because that’s who I am. The reality is that it’s not what I eat but how much I eat throughout the day.
I also don’t drink any calories. I don’t drink sodas, energy drinks, milk shakes or coffee with a bunch of sugar and creamer. If I am going to eat whatever I want, that means that I can’t drink whatever I want. And no alcohol. Well I mean, not NOOOO alcohol, just not nearly as much alcohol. If I am eating a meal during my window of time to eat, I will have a cocktail or two to wash it down. I'm not a nun or some kind of sober weirdo. I do enjoy life. I do like to have a good time. Nothing about that has changed. I am just more responsible with how I treat myself.
The only real catch is the want to change. I want to get better. I want to be as healthy as possible. Any other time I have failed at weight loss in the past it was because I didn’t do it for the right reasons. I was always trying to lose weight for a girl I was interested in or because I wanted to hit some bullshit goal. Once I started dating that girl or achieved that goal I would lose all the discipline I had gained. As soon as I had achieved my goal, what’s the point of continuing to work so hard? I wanted to run a 10k. That was my goal. It was a resolution I had made for New Years 2015. On Thanksgiving of 2015, after 11 and a half months of “training,” I ran the Dana Point Turkey Trot 10k. I did it, it sucked, I posted about it on instagram, it got some likes and I never ran again.
This time I wanted to make changes that didn’t have a goal or an end date. I wanted to make changes that would last and not only make me a better person but that would constantly challenge me to keep working. I’ve heard people say “it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle.” As cheesy as it may sound, it's true. I want to live a life that is always challenging me, pushing me and allowing me to become a better version of myself. I am always going to love food. As long as I am alive and have functioning taste buds, food will always be important to me. I didn’t want to set some goal for losing weight. Some arbitrary date or number on a scale. I wanted to build a life that supported me to become the healthiest person I can be.
I realized I was already doing a lot of work
Being big and strong or fat and lazy are not that much different. Bodies have to work to survive. If my body works perfectly for 100 years, eventually my heart will stop doing the work it needs to do. Or my kidneys will stop doing their work. A body is always doing work until it can work no more. I just had to ask myself, “was I happy with the work my body is doing”?
I went to an all you can eat sushi restaurant, because well, fuck it, I can eat whatever I want. At the time I had lost about 40 pounds. Next door to the delicious sushi restaurant was a “play it again sports” I went in and looked around at all the equipment. I saw a 40 pound dumbbell lying on the floor. I held it for about 5 seconds and couldn’t believe how heavy it felt. I couldn't believe how hard it was to hold. I then realized I was carrying that around with me all the time before I started losing weight.
I look back and I realized that having that extra weight made my career more difficult, it made relationships more difficult, it made going out seemed like a chore, everything was just so much more work. I had to figure out that, yes losing weight is hard, but always carrying around the extra weight was even harder than losing it. I taught myself, it's actually easier to lose weight than it is to continue to carry it around with me. In a year I have done so much less work by not having a backpack filled with 75 pounds worth of bricks wrapped around my body. I do notice it in my day to day. My ability to move around. To be more mobile and agile. To get where I want to go and to do it while being healthy and feeling good. That’s important. All of it is for the same purpose. To see how awesome I can make myself and the life that surrounds me. To be able to take that extra weight off helps tremendously.
Losing extra weight freed up my ability to do more work physically that I want to do. The work that I chose to do. I chose to work out a little harder, or go up another hill on my bike or wait an extra hour to eat. I have a much higher threshold for physical work now that the extra weight is gone. I have actually learned to enjoy when my body is breaking a sweat and my heart rate is racing. It’s good work and I am in control of all of it.
I listened to a podcast with Ethan Suplee. He’s the big offensive lineman from the movie “Remember The Titans”. He’s lost over 250 pounds, works out everyday and is unrecognizable compared to what he used to look like. Ethan talked about how much harder it is to live life at 500 pounds. How taxing that was on his body. How he had to realize that underneath his fat was strong, lean muscle. I may have gotten big in my day but I never got up to 500 pounds. If that dude can do it, why couldn’t I do it?
There are plenty of actors who can gain and lose weight in a short amount of time for roles in movies. They even get awards for it. And let’s be honest, actors aren’t exactly the smartest group of people. I had to teach myself that the hard work is already being done. I just needed to get control of it. The hard work is short. That is why stupid actors can gain and lose weight. They see it as a job. It is a job, as bullshit of a job as it is, it’s a job nonetheless. And again, If those dumb as fuck actors can do it and get gold statues, why can’t I do it? (I have a lot of friends who I love and care about who are actors, so fuck off).
I have family who are morbidly obese, and health is extremely genetic. I don’t want to become one of those people who’s weight keeps them down. If I get older and my body starts to become worn down because I use it so much, that’s totally fine with me. But what I don’t want is to be older and laying in a chair because I am too fat to get up. Joe Rogan says “if you can get up and walk to the refrigerator, you can work out”. And I hate to admit it, but that covid denying transvestite nut job is right. I can always get up and go to the refrigerator, it is actually something I am very good at. So if I can be the best in the world at getting up and going to the fridge. I can get my fat ass on my bike and go for a ride before I walk to the fridge.
Just like actors, I am playing a role. This is the role I was literally born to play, myself. I want my character to defy the odds. To be a hero, not a victim. I want my character to be strong and confident. To have control over his body and how he chooses to use it. That is who I want to be. This movie is about my life. I am the writer, director, producer and star of this movie. I can be whoever I want to be. But I also know what I don’t want to be. I don’t want my movie to star a fat loser. I want this movie to star to be a healthy hero who has learned a lot along the way and has the extra skin and stretch marks to help tell the story.
When I was my fattest(over 300 pounds) I would sweat constantly. It wasn’t something that I controlled. That was a problem. I wasn’t healthy and my body was trying to tell me that I needed to do something. I need to sweat a lot. My body is going to sweat whether I like it or not. I needed to get control over how my body operates. My body wants to go nuts and work out hard if I am going to eat the way I eat. That is how my body is supposed to work. So when I decided to make these changes to my life I knew I had to sweat and I had to do it everyday. Especially if I am going to eat whatever I want.
One thing that made me shift my focus was when I went to get a job that required a physical. I don’t like doctors so I always try to avoid them. The physician I met with was very nice but she did tell me that I carry a lot of weight. When someone with my build and bone density carries a lot of fat, a lot of it can be water retention. I asked her what I should do about it and she told me to try and sweat as much as possible. I don’t own a sauna but I do own a bike. So I decided to start riding my bike more often. I fell in love with riding my bike. I made it a part of my everyday life. To ride my bike and break a sweat. I have a three speed beach cruiser with a very cool and unique body type. It's heavy and sturdy. It can handle my fat ass, with a backpack and a cooler on the back. I ride it everyday, everywhere I go. Big uphills mean big downhills. I get to listen to whatever music I want and go wherever I want. It is my escape. I love riding my bike. I have found that if I enjoy my exercise, if it's something I actually like to do, I will both push myself to do it constantly and to go harder when I am working out. I also love jumping rope, running and using resistance bans outside in the sun. But these are things I have really learned to enjoy as the weight began to really fall off.
I am not sure If I could ever give up eating the way I eat. I have to think about exercise as the lesser of two evils. I have to like getting my heart rate up and sweating because it allows me to eat nachos and pizza. That makes exercise more manageable and more desirable. If I want to eat poke bowls for lunch and ribs with tater tots for dinner, I am going to have to sweat that day. The more I sweat the better the food tastes. And the simple truth is that I don't have to work out, but then I’ll weigh 300 pounds and no one will want to touch my naked body.
The important thing is that I break a sweat. I need to feel my body working and the heart rate rising. I know my body can handle it, I am built for it. Being in the sun gives me such a wonderful feeling. Being in nature, outside, vitamin D, sweating. There’s something so peaceful about being outside. Even if I’m sweating and listening to aggressive music to match my upbeat heart rate, it is still a liberating and humbling experience to be bathing in the beauty of nature. To swim, or ride my bike, or go for a run, or jump rope outside, even stretching and doing some yoga. Outside is where I am happiest when I am active. That is why I always make an effort to go outside and break a sweat.
I am always looking for ways to stay active. It is a part of what allows me to be able to eat whatever I want. I will do 4 sets of 25 squats, jump rope or even bust out the residence bans when I am at work. Something, anything. I just try to be active. I love the way my body responds to activity. I feel so much more at peace, I am able to be calmer in my day to day life. I think it is valuable for me to “blow off some steam”. To be active, to get the heart rate going. I believe it is a very important part of me being the best possible version of myself. And that’s the goal. I believe that the best version of who I am isn’t morbidly obese. The best version of who I am is strong, Big, reliable, confident and active. BUT NOT FAT.
Anytime I drive to the grocery store, or to work I make it a point to find a parking spot far away so I walk farther to get where I am going. I always take the stairs, I don’t spend much time in 50 story buildings but whenever I have the opportunity I take the stairs. Up stairs, down stairs it doesn’t matter. I know that activity is key to losing weight for someone with a big body. Stairs are a great work out for my big body. My legs, which are the core of my strength, get a good burn whenever I can go up some stairs. Life is full of activity that I didn’t realize until I decided to look for it.
I like to ride my bike to work. It makes working so much easier. It’s also a great excuse to work out. It pushes me to be better. Not to mention it’s environmentally friendly to ride my bike. I don’t remember where I heard it, but once the brain thinks the body can’t keep going, the body still has about 60 percent of its energy left. So if I ever got stuck in a situation where I was going up a brutal hill, or had to ride back home in the wind. I know that no matter how shitty or hard it is, if I just keep going, it gets easier and eventually ends.
I heard a very disturbing fact that less than 2 percent of Americans take the stares. My family and I went to a famous amusement park. My mind was blown at how out of shape the everyday person is becoming. When I was younger, I remember seeing maybe 1 or 2 people throughout the day at an amusement park that were so fat they had to use a scooter wheelchair. Now, post pandemic, I see hundreds of fat people on scooter wheelchairs. I do not want to be one of those people. I need to do everything in my power to avoid becoming that person.
DO NOT STEP ON A SCALE!!!
Ok, that’s not all the way true. I got on the scale once at the very beginning just to see where I was at. No judgment, no anger, I didn’t get upset, just saw the number (281lbs) and moved on. After a few weeks of fasting and exercising, people started mentioning, “hey, you look like you’re losing weight” that’s when I decided to get on the scale again. And I was actually ok with what I saw. I told myself that anything around 260 would be ok. 254! I was so excited, I decided to hardly ever step on a scale. I Delayed the gratification. 1 week, 1 month, 3 months, whatever the time was I would just wait. If I was to get on a scale everyday it would have driven me crazy.
I think about it like an investment. I have a retirement account that if I looked at it everyday I would be driving myself crazy. It goes up and goes down. The point of having a retirement account isn’t about making a bunch of money quickly, the idea is to invest money now so that it can grow and have more money when I am ready to retire. It's an investment in my future. I want to spend a little money now to have more money later. Same thing goes with getting on the scale. This is an investment in my future, I don’t need immediate returns. I am looking for long term gains, which is weight loss and being healthy. The best part is when I finally decided to get on the scale to see where I was, the number actually made me feel even better!!
I LOVE FOOD!
I Truly, totally, completely and unconditionally love food. I love the gratification, I love the taste, I love the feeling of being beyond satisfied and I love the oral stimulation from food. I LOVE FOOD! And the worse it is for me the better it tastes. I have tried all sorts of diets. And I suck at all of them. One time, I decided to try a new diet. I ate a half a pound grilled chicken and sautéed vegetables for dinner. Later that night I am lying in bed hungry as shit. I eventually scavenger hunted my way around the kitchen to make something to eat and literally “satisfy my hunger” just so I could go to sleep. I joked with friends the next day that if Scarlet Johansen walked in that night butt naked with a Double Western Bacon CheeseBurger and said, “You can have Me or the burger but you can’t have both” I probably would have chosen the burger.
I Need to eat. My body needs food. I can eat a lot. I can “Smash Food '' as they say. That is why fasting works so well for me. I can eat as much as I want within my fasting window. At first it wasn't fun. I would get a late night craving or want a snack in the morning. I wouldn’t say it was tough either. The first few months I really put it to the test. I would eat a huge meal as soon as my alarm on my phone went off in the afternoon. I would even plan for it. Then I would eat a big ass meal right before my alarm on my phone went off later in the day. I’m sure I didn’t start losing weight right away but eventually it got way easier. My alarm would go off and instead of a big meal I would eat a banana and some almonds( I really love wasabi and smokehouse flavored almonds). My body feels great as the first calories I put in it are good calories. I know the difference between good calories and bad calories. But I kinda don’t give a fuck. However I do give a fuck about myself and how I feel so I know that the best thing I can do is ingest good calories to start my eating window. Also, when I do allow myself to eat whatever I want, If I've started that day with good calories my body and its digestive system handles food much better.
I soon realized that if I do a form of exercise at the end of my fast is when the pounds really start to fall off. The time that I could begin eating was 12:30pm. So around 11:30am I would go for a big bike ride. Get a good sweat going then stop and find a good afternoon happy hour and I eat whatever I want. And that’s no joke. I'm talking nachos, quesadillas, tacos, fried calamari, poke bowls, literally whatever I want. My body even felt better after I ate. I ride my bike after my first meal and all the food my big body just took in is being used right away. I love food. I am always going to love and eat a lot of food. It's how often I eat and if I eat and go to sleep right after a big meal, That’s when the pounds start to stick.
If I stay active and only eat in my fasting window I truly can eat whatever I want. I have a few friends who run marathons, they eat a huge amount of calories the night before a run. Any of the weight lifting celebrities show off their cheat days with these massive meals. I can’t speak to health or diet but what I do know is that I have been able to eat whatever I want, and still lose a considerable amount of weight. I am not eating 4 birthday cakes and drinking a 12 pack of sodas as soon as my fasting alarm goes off and I don’t sit on my ass when I am not eating. I stay active, eat reasonably(and within my fasting window) and smoke an insane amount of weed. Speaking of insane amounts of weed….
Munchies are for amateurs. Weed is the magic plant. It can draw focus, steer the mind to clarity and help guide the direction of anyone's life. Anytime I got hungry during the fast I would smoke weed. That would allow me to refocus on what I want and who I want to be. Weed can be so healing and wonderful for both the body and the mind. I believe in it, it works, or at least it does for me. Anytime I get hungry I roll a joint and remember why I am doing this. Being high reminds me that my goal is to get better everyday. There’s no calories in weed. I love to get stoned and go on a nice long bike ride. I really enjoy a good exercise when I am high on the beautiful flower. And food, when I smoke while fasting, when I do finally eat, it is so much better. I am a true believer in the power of THC. It’s important. I need to be satisfied with who I am and what I have. Life, social media, the world. It can all make me feel like I am not enough. But when I consume THC I feel much more grateful for who I am and what I have. That is what has helped me this whole time. Do I need to be better at being the best version of who I am? Of course I do. But I need to do it on my terms and only answer to myself. Anytime I am struggling with being hungry or trying to stay focused on who and what I want to become, I roll a joint. Take time for myself and let the THC do its work on my brain.
Hard work is hard. Riding my bike up a big hill is hard. Fasting for 20 hours a day for a few months straight is hard. Reading 65 pages a day is hard. Smoking weed helps make hard things just a little softer. I am not always stoned. But I am stoned a lot. I do everything sober and stoned. I work out sober and stoned. I read sober and stoned. It's all the same until I don’t want to do something hard. Once I roll a joint, take a break from my phone and enjoy the miracle plant, it puts my priorities straight. It reminds me that the present is called the present because it is a gift. I have accepted that being a stoner is a part of who I am. I guess “I identify as a stoner” might be a way of saying it. The same way that I have decided to look at being a big guy is good but being fat isn’t good, Being a loser stoner isn’t good being a productive and conscious cannabis consumer is a good thing. People have negative outlooks on weed, those people are just losers and uncool weirdos. Weed is a fundamental ingredient to the human experience. The fact that it is not being handed out for free everyday to everyone is a massive problem. I smoke because whatever disease I struggle with, marijuana is the closest thing in the world to a cure. I don’t like pills, I don’t like needles. I cut my sugar intake to pretty low. So drugs aren’t really in my system. Other than that, I consume a radical amount of THC.
I have always wished I was more vascular. I have heard women talk about how one of the sexiest qualities in a man is the veins in their arms. I have short chubby t-rex arms that have never seen a vein even come close to the skin. Until I got to about the 50 pound mark. I noticed a little blood filled tube on the back of my hand. Holy shit, I couldn’t believe it. I was super baked the first time I noticed it. Being stoned made me realize this was a good thing but that I wasn’t worthy of any sort of a reward. This is who I am now. I have veins people can see. One of my favorite things to do in the morning is smoke a joint, drink a cold brew and read a book. About 30 min into reading I feel a pressure mounting and I know it is time to take my morning massive shit. As I sit on top of my porcelain throne, I noticed that when my body is in that state of defecation, the veins in my hand and now further down my arm seem to really pop up and say “good morning.” I have actually become quite familiar with the Back Of My Hand. While sitting on the toilet, super stoned, seeing the veins in my hands, feeling the meal I had eaten 15 hours before leaving my body, I would tell myself I was on the right track. This is me shitting out who I was and shaping who I am becoming.
Weed is a magical thing. I am blessed to be alive in a time when weed is not only available but legal. I can talk all day long about how society isn’t utilizing marijuana enough and how people who really need weed aren’t using it. But I have to remind myself that I am lucky. Lucky to be alive at this time, to be able to smoke weed on the beach and not worry about getting arrested. To be able to walk into a dispensary and legally purchase weed. That’s a pretty amazing ability that should be afforded to everyone all over this country.
Some will call them life hacks, or adulting. But I prefer to call them secret weapons. I drink sparkling water all day long. AHA, Waterloo, La Cruix, Bubbly. All these brands make delicious sparkling water. They have zero calories, zero carbs and they taste fucking delicious. They are one of my SECRET WEAPONS. I can have as many as I want, anytime I want. They are carbonated, flavorful and refreshing. They fill the void. Now there’s LIQUID DEATH(hey, sponsor me) and other brands coming up with flavored water that costs as much if not more than its alcohol counterpart. However, they are a great alternative at a bar. The sparkling water fills me up, keeps me orally gratified and is really healthy. I also notice my skin looks better and my joints move better. I would recommend starting the day with sparkling water, a black cold brew, a joint and a book. I love cold brew. I make my own cold brew and I drink as much of it as I want. Cold brew is a great appetite suppressor. It is also great for my digestive system, meaning, it helps me take a lot of shits and fairly consistently. As previously mentioned, I would recommend starting the day with a book, a water, a cold brew and a joint(put on some mellow jazz music just to class up the place).
When I am out and I don’t feel like drinking alcohol, I don’t care what people think, I order a soda water. Having carbonated water, or cold brew, or to go smoke a joint, these are all my secret weapons. The cool thing about weapons, everyone talks shit, until they work.
Anytime I am struggling to fall asleep because I am hungry or weed isn’t knocking me out I take 3 sleep-aid pills. They have diphenhydramine(I’ll only be spelling that once) in them and they work great. They aren’t addictive, they are cheap and they do the job. Sleep is very important. It’s the time my body recovers and uses the food I have put into it to turn into energy for the next day. I can fall asleep sober, without sleep aid pills or weed, but sometimes a secret weapon that is legal and safe can be a good thing.
I have accepted the fact that I am an addict when it comes to food. I love food the way a meth addict loves meth. I would ruin my life to keep eating anything I want. I trained myself to go ahead and be an addict. I can be as addictive as I want when drinking water. I can drink as much cold brew as I want. I can exercise as much as I want. Anytime I feel like shit I do 25 power squats. Wherever I am standing, whatever I am doing. I will go and do a set of squats. It gets my heart rate up and keeps me focused. It also strengthens my core. I have big legs and a big middle. Squats are really good for working those parts of my body.
DO SOMETHING ELSE THAT IS REALLY DIFFICULT
I suck at reading, I have my whole life. When I was in School I was diagnosed with some kind of bullshit reading disorder. And when I decided to lose some weight I also decided to start reading. A lot. I wanted to make the diet and exercise the second hardest part of my day. Reading has always been out of the question for me. A massive obstacle I never thought I could overcome. I never understood how some people can read as much as some people do.
I love listening to Aaron Rogers on The Pat Mcafee Show. Listening to a MVP quarterback talk about life while playing MVP quarterback in the NFL is really great. They call it “Aaron Rogers Tuesdays.” One year Aaron started a book club. He recommended a bunch of books. But one he recommended was a Malcom Gladwell book titled “Outliers.” I had listened to Malcom Gladwell on a few different podcasts and always found him to be a very interesting guy. So I made the commitment that I didn’t care if it took me 10 years, I was going to read “Outliers by Malcom Gladwell” because Aaron Rogers told me to.
Well it didn’t take me 10 years, it only took me a few weeks. I started small. Reading a few pages a day. Next thing I know I have read 4 Malcom Gladwell books. Now as someone who has sucked at reading my entire life, I read 40-50 pages a day at least. Reading is still hard for me. My comprehension isn’t great and it takes me longer than most people to finish a book. But I do it. I read every day.
I have always felt that if I am getting paid for something that’s not hard work, that’s my job. So my job is not the same kind of work as weight loss or reading. Weight loss and reading are the kind of hard work that is for me, not for money. The kind of work that doesn’t have the gratification of a paycheck. The kind of work that is to be a better person. No other reason. I want to be in control of what is the hardest part of my day that wasn't my job. So I read because it is difficult and it made dieting and working out easier because they were not the hardest part of my day.
Reading is the most difficult part of my day and I choose to do it. Riding my bike up a hill sucks, but I chose to do it. Having control of my hardest parts of my day is very liberating. Before I started taking care of myself, the hardest part of my day was whatever the day threw at me. Most of the time it would be a work situation, so I was much more irritable at work because it was the hardest thing I was doing that day. I had no control over those parts of my day but If I decided to read and work out then all those other parts of my day don’t seem nearly as difficult. It absolutely made any job or work situation I had much easier. If I had a client who was being a pain in the ass, I just told myself that I can handle it because I had already gone on a 10 mile bike ride and read two chapters of a book so this client isn’t nearly as difficult. I am in control over what I consider difficult or hard.
I try to think of it the way that Batman became Batman because bats scare him. I hate working out, I hate eating healthy and reading terrifies me. So that’s why I decided to start doing all of it. I listen to Mike Tomlin, the Super Bowl winning head coach for the Pittsburgh Steelers. He talks about not getting comfortable with comfort. That a man should always be pushing himself. To not settle with the comfort of my bed in the morning. So I have to get up and start my day reading, writing and exercising. I can not sit inside all day, jerking off and smoking weed. I must go outside, exercise, read a book and smoke weed.
MY FAT IDENTITY
I always thought I was the funny fat stoner guy. I was actually ok with that being who I was. People enjoy being around me, they consider me a good time. I’m always down to smoke a joint, drink some beers and order an extra large meat lover's pizza at 2am.
I had to realize a lot of things. One, being fat is not healthy, being large can be. Two, I can still be the funny stoner guy and be in good shape. Three, believing that being fat was a part of my identity was just an excuse not to lose weight and to not take care of myself. My identity is whatever I want it to be for me. It is something that I am in control over. I want to be someone I am proud of. Being fat was not something I am proud of, being a big guy is something I am proud of. Being sturdy, able bodied, capable of moving and moving well. That is what I want my identity to be. However the world sees me, is none of my business. I want to be strong and capable on my terms. I want to know that I am getting healthier everyday, cause that is what someone who is responsible does. They get better everyday. I know that no one cares if I am healthy or not. I do it for myself. I do it because I want to be better. Every great athlete is talented and has skills, but they also work hard and try to get better everyday. I know that I will fuck up and that I will not always make choices or be someone that I am always proud of, but I know that I at least have to try.
The word FAT bums me out. I don’t mind big, thick, solid, sturdy, healthy but FAT, that’s just gross. I don’t want to be fat. I had to change that mindset. Being fat is not ok for me. I would not be satisfied until being fat was off the table. I didn’t want FAT to be the first thing people thought of when they saw me. But more importantly I didn’t want FAT to be the first thing I saw when I looked in the mirror. In the words of the brilliant Hasbulla when asked who he saw when he looked in the mirror, he confidently and powerfully said “I see me.” I want to be like Hasbulla. I want to “see me”. Who is that? I am still finding that out but I know that I don’t want the person in the mirror to be fat. If someone calls me husky, chunky or “built like a brick shit house” all of that is completely ok, I just didn’t want to be fat anymore. So I smoke and focus on who and what I want to be. But I also must focus on what I don’t want to be and what I don’t want to be anymore is FAT.
For most of my life I have had the best set of man tits that anyone has ever seen. It’s been the number one thing I have always wanted to change about myself physically. I don’t care if it was a high school bully, a girl I had a crush on, someone I consider a friend or even someone in a position of authority. Every one has at some point flicked my juicy man tities. Anytime a hot girl flicks my tits I ask if I can return the favor. I am shocked at how many of them actually say yes. But these supple C-cups have been hanging around my chest for so long I have forgotten what it's like not to have a hairy set of man boobies. As I have lost weight I like to do some light chest workouts with the resistance bands. It made my flabby man tits turn into one giant hairy man chest. It feels and looks so much better. I remember the first time I put on a new shirt with much less man tit meat and It felt so good to look in the mirror and not have a beautiful pair of man ta-ta’s staring back at me.
A male gorilla eats 40 pounds of food a day. A male lion eats 10-15 pounds of food per day. A male Pilot whale eats 20 pounds of food a day. When I think of a gorilla, I think of a badass primate that could rip me to shreds in a matter of seconds, or a lion that could run me down and devour my entire body, or a pilot whale that would drag my fat ass into the deep ocean and slap me around like a bitch. I don’t think of these animals as fat. They are the definition of strength. They have to eat that much food because they are working so hard just to survive. How do I know all this stuff? I googled it, because…… fuck off.
I am an animal. It’s a good thing. It’s Primal. It’s Healthy to feel that way. I have been treated like a 300 pound gorilla in my life before. Why not embrace it and be that powerful monster that I can be. If I was alive 200 years ago I would have survived because that’s the kind of primate animal that I am. It’s a good thing to feel powerful, to feel strong. I like to test out my strength. To see how hard I can go up a hill on my bike or how long I can jump rope or make sure that I can always run a mile if I needed to. I want to know my limits as the animal that I am. I want to be in control of how hard my body can be pushed to its limits. I study a lot of philosophers who say we work out to remind the body who’s in charge.
It can be easy to be a self deprecating fat guy. I have done it for years. Make a funny joke about being fat to gain some laughs and the approval of people I don’t really care about. To be the party animal who can chug beers and eat a whole pizza. I've done all that and it's fun. But I want a new type of fun, I want to be healthy. I want to be in decent shape. I may not run a marathon or compete in a strong man competition, but I don’t want my identity to be overweight. That’s not who I am.
The weight that has been lifted off me mentally by not having the weight on me physically shows itself by the way I carry myself. I float when I walk. I enjoy the distance of a long walk. I like to jog to the next place I need to be. Some people call it a “pep in one's step.” It's the same energy as being in love. So here’s a cheesy line. I fell in love with myself and people can see it. It’s my new fat identity. To be able to move easy and still be a big guy. To be agile, some might even use the phrase “graceful” but these are just the rumors I hear.
I feel that a lot of guys can’t talk or don’t talk about their bodies. Women have a tendency to identify more with “body positivity” movements, or to think that society is only cruel to women about their bodies. It is perfectly acceptable in movies or tv shows to have a funny fat friend. Someone who is openly made fun of, is the comic relief and is never really considered a person. And that’s fine. But I know that is not the character I was meant to play, especially in my own movie. So I wrote this for the funny fat friend. I wrote this for the dudes who have been called fat or in-cells or losers. That can be a slippery slope. To not only hear what people are saying but to begin to listen to it. None of that shit is true. The internet is powerful, both good and bad.
A RIGHT WING TROLL.
The internet is a big, deep and ugly place. It is full of incredible and powerful information. It is also full of weirdos. I mean, isn’t the internet still like 78 percent porn? I have been called every conceivable name on the internet. I am old enough to not really care what people think of me in real life, so I definitely don’t care what people think about being on the internet. They are nameless, faceless beings. But it can really wear down on my existence if I spend too much time on the internet. Yes, I like to go onto terrible news stories and drop the most offensive line or joke that I can that I can think of in the comment section. Because fuck off, who cares. But I also had to come to the realization that I wasn’t going to change anyone's mind or win some imaginary war with someone I don’t know and will never meet in real life. I had to start asking myself if this is something I wanted to keep doing? To spend hours and hours on line wasting time.
As I kept losing weight, I knew that I needed to also focus on my “mental health” as all the cool kids like to call it. I needed to turn it all off after a little while if I was going to go into this next chapter of my life correctly. The thing I don’t want to do is lose weight and start posting about it on instagram so some girl who broke my heart 15 years ago will send me a “good for you” DM. I am not doing this for the likes or the DM’s. I am doing this because I want to relieve the pressure of extra weight from my body. To make me stronger for the next and last 40 years of my life.
Weed helps me keep that focus. Do not dwell on the internet. To realize how stupid it is to care about what everyone else thinks. I want to make my life better. If telling that story helps others, well that’s awesome. But I don’t want fame or to be an influencer. That is not at all who I am. I am not someone who should ever be telling anyone what to do or how to act. And I don’t really think anyone should listen to me.
But one thing I have learned is that even though I have been called a right wing troll or a fat disgusting in-cell. The reason it doesn’t feel good to read those things about myself is because they are kind of true. Not to say that I am any kind of a political person or that I live in my mom's basement but I do recognize that that is something that I can be as well. If I am not careful, if I don’t put on guard rails, I could easily balloon up to 300 pounds and spend my days being upset at the news online. It’s not a healthy way to be mentally. And I know for me that if I am not healthy mentally then I don’t have a shot to be healthy physically.
I’m currently 38 years old. I am between 5’9 and 5’10 and have been at least 200 pounds since I was a sophomore in high school, maybe sooner. I have not weighed less than 200 pounds since then. So it's been at least 22 years that I have weighed between 200 and 300 pounds. However I have not spent much time at either end of the spectrum. The heaviest I know I ever got was when I was 23 years old. I got on the scale and weighed 308 pounds. I’ll never forget seeing that number. I was drinking, partying, eating like shit and working full time. I was disgusted. I then lost a bunch of weight. Got down to about 240 and then I spent the next ten years yo-yoing between 230 and 280. After the super bowl in 2015 I weighed 275 pounds. I then kicked my ass the whole year and ran a 10k that thanksgiving. I got down to 220 pounds. I spent the next few years in the 220-250 weight range. As covid hit I, like a lot of people, gained a bunch of weight. I got on the scale in March of 2021 and weighed 275 again, I knew I had to get this whole thing under control. I also know myself. I know that I can overachieve in the short term and fail in the longer term when it comes to most things, including diet and weight lose. So instead of diving in head first, starting some insane diet and kicking my ass physically I started small.
I knew that If I tried to stop drinking and eating shitty overnight, I would crash and burn pretty quick, which would lead me to gain even more weight. So I started fasting. That was it. But I started. I would also write down in a notebook how hungry I was. I would write down what I would want to eat. I would take that piece of paper and look at it. Write “FUCK YOU” really big over the food I had just put on the paper, rip it up and throw it away. Then I roll a joint and forget the whole thing happened.
That's the whole point, to admit I was hungry. To understand that it’s ok for me to feel hungry. I would even tell myself that as soon as the alarm goes off tomorrow I am going to eat 5 pancakes, a bacon and cheese omelet and hash browns. I would get creative with the food I would come up with in my mind while I’m stoned. Then after enough joints I would pass out, wake up the next morning and not be hungry anymore. I would forget the whole night before it even happened, then my alarm would go off telling me it’s time to eat and I would have a little snack. Never even trying to recreate the meals I had concocted in my mind the night before.
I had to teach myself that the numbers don’t really matter. I don’t really need to care what the scale says or how old I am becoming. I know that I need to treat myself with respect. To build that foundation so that the numbers, however much I might not want them to matter, they matter even less if they are going in the right direction. This is all a long term investment. I have to keep it simple. In order to not go crazy and be disappointed everyday I had to learn to choose my battles. One battle I didn’t want to fight everyday was a battle with the scale.
No one would ever look at me and think “Long and Lean”. I am a short(under 6ft) stocky ass motherfucker. That’s just what I am. It’s ok. There is nothing I can do about it. I would love to be 6 foot 3, weigh 220 pounds, have a six pack and that V shape thing that leads to a giant dick. But that’s not what I have been giving. What I have been given I must use and try my best to use it well. One thing I do is use my strengths. And one of my strengths is strength. I am a naturally pretty strong bulldog type of a dude. I have a big butt, big thighs, big hips, thick in the middle, big head, big chest, short arms and I can carry weight and move heavy things. I am always the one they ask to move the cooler or the table or replace the water jug at work. I don’t mind doing any of those things. I decided to love that about myself and to build on that strength of being strong.
I am not a gym guy, but I am strong. I ride my bike with all my weight up big ass hills everyday and I look forward to it. My legs and my low center of gravity are where a lot of my strength lives. I believe in being the best body type that I can be. Not to try and be a body type that I am not. I see some guys who are in really good shape and I wish I had their arms or back or waist, but I can’t have their bodies. I only live in mine. So I love my stretch marks, I love my loose skin. I love my jiggly belly and my shapely man tits. Why? Because they’re mine. And all of it is the best it’s ever looked. I am proud of my flawed body. It tells a story. I have learned a lot about being fat. The world responds to me differently when I am overweight, women are much more attentive and approachable when I am healthy and confident.
Recently I was on a bike ride and a very handsome gay man on an e-bike pulled up next to me and said something. I had my headphones in and didn’t hear him the first time. I asked him to repeat what he said and he said “I wish I had those legs”. I laughed and gave him the “Oh these ol’ thangs, had em my whole life”. He chuckled and said he would love to have my “ham-hocks”, gave me a wave and speeded away. I smiled at the flattering compliment, rang my bell and gave him a “hang loose” hand gesture. He didn’t weigh more than 150 pounds and couldn’t pedal his little body up a hill if his life depended on it. Everyone has body issues, health issues and mental issues. My body may have flaws. But It's up to me to make the best possible version that I can.
I love listening to other big guys talk about being big guys. It's one of the reasons I think podcasts have become so popular. When I hear other guys talk about having a big head or not fitting in an airplane seat, or how fucking good food is. Athletes have become so popular in the mainstream outside of what they do in their sport, I think because of how honest they are about who they are and what it is like to have a different or larger than normal body. I feel normal, cause I also have a massive head. Same with everything else. I am not someone who believes I am some victim of whatever. But I do feel that it's nice to listen to people who have the same kind of issues that I deal with, especially mental and physical issues. Listening to Brian Urlacher, the NFL hall of fame linebacker for the Bears, talk about riding his bike over 500 miles a month because he loves eating food. He says he’s not gonna stop eating cookies everyday so that’s why he rides his bike as much as he does.
I have been surrounded by some wonderful and beautiful people. I have always been so jealous of people who have a fast metabolism. I have a lot of friends who are just built or wired differently than me. I have always joked that if I smell food I gain 5 pounds. So that just means I am built the way that I am and that is ok. What is not ok is when I don’t take care of myself, and my health is as important as anything else. It is as important as my family, my bank account, my relationships, my job, my livelihood and my spirituality. All of these things are dependent on my body and mind.
I feel mentally strong when I am physically taking care of myself. Once I gave myself permission to prioritize my physical health, that was when I began to take it seriously. I didn’t make it my identity, I didn’t go on instagram and start posting motivational memes, or work out pics. As a matter of fact, when I really began to notice a difference in my body physically is when I really quit giving a shit about social media. I want to be physically healthy because I want to be ready for whatever life and the world throws at me. I don’t want to get healthy for likes or followers or to build some brand. I want to do it for myself. And if that leads to me making a living telling my story, so be it. But I am going to continue to become healthier because I want to. Not because I am looking for clout or some approval. I do it all for me.
Did it my way.
I go to a pizza place and grab a slice or stop at a sushi spot and pick up a rainbow roll and an order of wan-tans. I do this while on a bike ride and smoking tons of weed. I love to take a 50 milligram edible, go for a bike ride on a beautiful day, and listen to music that I love to listen to. Stop in a park and jump rope, maybe fuck around with the resistance band. I Embrace the beauty of the outside world and then “BING BING BING BING” my alarm on my phone goes off at 12:30pm and I eat a poke bowl and brownie, smoke another joint and cruise home. This is a healthy lifestyle for me. I can feel it working. I can’t tell anyone if what I am doing is good or bad, that’s not the point. The point is that I am satisfied with my effort. With my ability to live how I know I am supposed to live.
I have to make it my own. If I tried to become some gym rat who drinks protein shakes, that wouldn’t go well. That’s not who I am. I am who I am and that’s perfectly fine. It is up to me to make sure that I am living the healthiest and most manageable lifestyle I can. And that is the truth, It’s a lifestyle. It’s not for a temporary fix, this is a forever change of habits. This is an brand new idea that is as old as evolutionary biology.
Everyone has body issues. I have hung out with tall beautiful babes with long lovely legs who get jealous of a short queen with a big booty. Little does that tall babe know that the short queen with the big booty is insanely jealous of the tall babe because she has those long beautiful legs. And I just wanna fuck both of them.
I don’t care how hot a girl is, every woman in the world has at least 10 things they would want to change with their body. If you asked them and they were honest they could name off 10 things they would change about their body in less than 10 seconds. This is not an issue strictly dedicated to women. Most men would change dozens and dozens of things about their physical body. I do believe that at a certain age men kinda stop giving a fuck about their bodies, I can’t speak on that on behalf of women because I am not a woman.
I read because people I respect read. I take care of myself because the people I respect take care of themselves. I want to be someone I would respect. I want to be someone who I can respect. The people I respect also aren’t perfect, and neither am I. I am not even close. But like the people I respect, I try my best to not be my worst. I can easily sit inside all day, eat pizza pockets and ice cream sandwiches, jerk off to porn while watching Breaking Bad for the 7th time. I've done it and Ill probably do it again. Living that way is extremely wonderful and instantly gratifying. But it is radically unhealthy and unsatisfying in the not even far off distant future.
That’s the difference I had to make. To not be that version of myself. To know that that version does exist and I will have to live with it. But it is up to me to try my best and prevent that version of myself from becoming the norm. I Mess up all the time and it's ok. I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t steal any money, I didn’t smash my truck into a hospital, I just had a few cookies late at night. Or I ate an hour later than my usual time. All that means is that the next day I am going on a longer bike ride or I am going to push my fast a little later in the day next time. It's ok to mess up. Everyone does. I always try to remember that I am in this for the long game. To be better a year from now or 5 years from now. I know that being fat is not in my future, I know that I will be a healthy weight because that’s what I want and that is what is best for me. If I make mistakes along the way, oh well I learn and move on. I’m in no hurry, I have as much time as I need. I want to do this for myself. Once I realized that It’s really up to me, no one's gonna save me. There’s now secret pill or medicine that will give me six pack abs and the endurance to run a marathon. It's all up to me, so when I mess up I know that the only person who is going to get hurt by this mistake is me.
This is also liberating. I really am trying to make choices and decisions now as a 37 year old man that the 43 year old version of me will be thankful for. That’s when I decided to change my life. Read, write, exercise and make money everyday. I want to release this and weigh less than 200 pounds. Right now I am under 215 pounds. As they say, the last 20 pounds are the hardest.
Every so often I like to get stoned, put on some music and have something that I like to call “mirror therapy.” It might sound weird but I don’t care. I Get naked, or close to it and look at my body and even talk to myself. I give myself compliments on my progress and beat myself up over my failures. Not literally beat up but just have a look at myself in the face and ask if I’m happy with my behavior. Everyone has conversations with themselves, whether they admit it or not. It has been fun to see the progress. I remember when I first started, I truly hated the dude in the mirror. He was so fucking gross. I needed to change that dude. Instead of getting on a scale and being disappointed, I get stoned and have my mirror therapy.
THE LAST 20 POUNDS…
I’ll just say it, The last 20 pounds is the hardest. Everything I read and listened to, the same resounding message was received. The last 20 pounds are the hardest. I learned that in order for me to reach that place I wanted to get to with my weight I was really going to have to work even harder in the end. That means more bike riding, looking for more ways to be physical in my day to day. Eating proper and more controlled.
I also gave myself a lot more runway with the last 20 pounds. As the first 50-60 pounds came off and everyone started to really notice my weight loss, I didn’t want to get content. I wanted to continue to push toward my ultimate goal. But I also knew I didn’t want to put pressure on myself. So I didn’t put a time limit on the last 20 pounds. This is still the long game. Once I got down to 215 I wanted to level off for a little while. Let myself get used to this new weight and this new body. The last time I was this lite weight I was in junior high. That was over 20 years ago. If it takes me 3 months or 3 years to lose 20 pounds, that’s totally ok. As long as I am always trying to get better.
“215-210-205, 215-210-205.” This is my mantra when I am pushing myself a little harder on my bike ride, or when I need to go that extra mile. Whenever I really start to feel my body work hard, that sweat starts to break, the heart rate goes up. I remind myself with my mantra, “215-210-205, 215-210-205.” Anytime I want to cheat. Anytime I want to eat late. I didn’t want to work out. Anytime I didn’t want to break a sweat I simply repeated my mantra “215-210-205, 215-210-205.”
I have entered the last 20 pounds in the summer. This can be both a good and bad thing. I still have my self confidence issues with taking my shirt off at the beach or the pool. But I still remember this is the best I’ve looked as an adult. It's also beautiful weather outside. So I ride my bike a lot more. And food is just fresher and better in the summer. Eating fruit and not stuffing myself everyday actually feels good. During the winter, when the days are shorter and the weather is colder its easier to eat unhealthier and to not be active. It takes a lot more discipline in the winter. During the summer, being active and eating better feels right. So I embrace the weather and work out just a little harder during the day.
I know that if I wanted to make myself miserable I could go really hard on a diet and kick my ass with more exercise, but that will only boomerang and I will end up gaining the weight back quickly. So I just go back to my foundation of intermittent fasting and consistent exercise. I’m not in some kind of a competition. I am not trying to win a medal or stand on some platform. I am trying to take control of my body. As I’ve mentioned, it’s a long game. But I’m in it to win it.
THE NEW NORMAL.
I am now in my new normal skin. The stretch marks are still there, I still think I have a pretty juicy pair of man tits and my booty is still large and in charge. But I feel the best I have ever felt and I think it is only the beginning. Every so often I will catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and not recognize myself. I have noticed my beer belly has lost a few pints. The flabbiness is now getting closer and hopefully getting ready to fall off. These are all good and fun things. I still have a lot of work to do, a literal lifetime. But this new normal is a lot more fun than the normal I was living a few years ago.
I have been called all sorts of names. But If someone calls me FAT now, I don’t give two fucks. I know that even though I struggle with weight and I always am going to struggle with my weight, I am taking steps in the right direction. I am always going to be a chubby little pig boy at heart. But I know I am not fat anymore. I have been fat and that ’s not who or what I am anymore.
I believe that if there is a heaven, it's me, the ocean and 300 beautifully naked women who satisfy my every need and sexual desire. Not in some, strap a bomb on my chest for 72 virgins, type heaven. But a place when it is all said and done that I never have to worry about getting laid, or getting fat or getting hurt and I would be stoned, and fucked all day everyday.
Is there a heaven? I don’t know, let's smoke a joint and talk about it. But in the meantime. All I can do is try my best to make this life that I have on this planet right now the heaven that I want to see when I am dead. And while my version of heaven is full of delicious food that doesn’t make me fat and women who love to suck my dick on my boat, I am here now and all I can control is myself. I know that in heaven I am not FAT, and I don’t want to be FAT here on earth either.